Crossroad

Sometime really live on the verge of collapse without you... because me myself seem like nobody, no identity, no feeling of being love and also no aim or goal in my head. You're getting more and more important to me since... Without you, i got nobody to ask for when i was in a crossroad like i had one now. Friends of course have help me a lot recently... like telling me what to do next.

Different friend got different opinion and thought that they've provided to me. Really thank you for what you guys had done to me. But the most precious one was your opinion, the thing that i was missing now and maybe forever was your voice or your opinion. That is why i still hanging around like never before is because i don't have the final decision made by you and me. Maybe it seems crazy to ask you to make a decision for me but for me your decision was actually mine though.

What would you think about me when you read this blog as if you know all the contain in this blog here was about you? i think you won't believe that my thought would swerve towards you than myself. This is not stupid and some of you may think so but i don't know what to do for my love one! All i know and able to do was thinking of you and waiting for your order, opinion and etc. But based on my experience, i know you're not that kind of person would order someone to change or ask people to follow what you've decided.

What i've done everyday was wake up and hope for your reply in any medium available.

I may not know much about you but i guarantee i can love you more than anyone else except your parents hehe.... I can't compare with them and also not qualify to compare with because the concept of love is totally different. hehehe

Hope you will reply me as soon as possible!!!!

secret reviewed

Today was just another ordinary day for me here in my hometown. When i woke up, it was already 3pm in the afternoon. I walked through the kitchen to find my so called "breakfast" in the afternoon. It was a holiday today, so my mom doesn't cook, so we usually buy take away food for our meal. I found my favorite "pork leg rice" inside the cupboard. It is not a very healthy food for me because of my weight but it doesn't matter....in the end i just finish it without any leftover.

At night, i went to a bbq party at my friend's house at 7 sumthing... we grill all kind of food, and drink all kinds of drink available... that seems like a pig hehe. When time goes by... me and some of my old friends talking about something related to relationship stuffs and so on.

Suddenly, one of them says i saw ur blog writing about a gal u admire for 7 years; another one said i saw the story in my friendster. Then there were busy figure it out which gal would make me admire her for so many years. Because in my previous blog, i got reviewed that the girl was from my previous high school and also in science stream, one of my fren went to her room and get our school magazine coz we're from the same school and also same batch at that time.

Finally there try to ask me one by one on every gal's name from science stream, i think most of the girls in science stream had been mentioned. It's because at that time our school only got 4 science classes so it's easy to narrow down. There asked which one was my long term target and i had been forced to tell the truth because all of the "interrogators" were my ex-classmate in high skool which were close to me. I can't hide it anymore!!!!

One day i would review your name here as well, but hope you won't angry with me coz it juz another way to propose to a girl i like the most. This is the only way to express myself to you and also the way that i think is fair for me and you, because you can choose to know me, like me or ignore me.

There is still another hope that i think i can't achieve in time was this coming august graduation ceremony. Of course you can't be there it's because you don't know my existence.... don't you?? It' not your fault, this is totally my fault if u wanna blame me, you can juz blame anytime you want. I would never get mad about it, I think.... I am not too late to express my love to you right?? or wrong??? i am not complaining or blame you, all i did here was juz for expressing myself and also blame myself to be such a useless and coward guy.

But once i see you in Kuching, or know you're here.... would not let the chance blow anymore... Please give me a chance, juz a chance to know you or to be with you.

Maybe i'm not qualify for to ask you to give me a chance. But please!!! Still please give me a chance to know you. i am not idiot or maniac or something. It's because love you too much!!!

Another MTJ.com project

Last Saturday, me and some friends went for a trip. This trip meant for BBQ, camping and fishing. We reach the destination at about 4 pm, do all the necessary stuff that needed to do before the sky turn dark. Gathering all the wood that need to setup the camp fire and also cooking.

Here are some video that show our camp fire and also the situation that we're in.... Hence i only shows up in this collection of video once hehe. Because i am afraid of being caught lol JKD....

In the following video contain some of the restriction conversation that important for someone in the pass but now not anymore... Especially the guy in the blue t-shirt hehehe. You will know him, if you're from kuching high lol. He's the second twins in my class.

Here Without You

*** A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me


I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me ***

This lyric more or less express what i feel right now. Really hard to imagine someone like me would write something like that in the blog. Because i pretend like don't care about my relationship in front of people i know but in reality, i care actually, and really really care. People who know me for so long didn't know that because they would think i just write it for fun. "Except some of you do know bout it" Also i didn't talk about relationship stuff often and this is because i can't get what i want.. I'm not capable of criticizing or comment others coz i don have 1. This is what i am and also what i feel right now.

According to some research, you will be more relief when you do what you like. Even though i went fishing last night but still thinking about you.

I made an effort to get to know you by asking some of your ex-classmate. It is the first time i do so since 7 years ago because i saw your friendster profile that displayed your graduation pics and i also graduated recently so it won't affect our studies anymore. This is what motivates me to move again.

i asked them regarding all about you but they just replied me that you're a quiet and a soft spoken girl. That what i got about you... I am really sorry for knowing you so little about you and yet admired you...I don't know what i can do if you're really my girlfriend now. But don't worry, it doesn't matter how quiet you are, and i can make you speak more when time goes by. And i am confident that i can cheer you up when you're down. when you're hungry i can cook for you. Anything you want me to do just order me then i will fulfill you until you satisfied. This is not for one or two days but depending on your wish. If you want me to do all this stuff forever until the last breath of my life and i will do it and eager to do it without any complain.

The lyric i post above have show what in my mind and also what i wanna to say to you if i can see you now.

You're the one i can't let go and also can't forget until the end of my life....

Coincidence

Yesterday was my shocking day when I went to a shop that sell “Chinese burger” or “pao” at 3^rd mile. There was a girl who looks similar to the one I dream of for 7 years, I really nervous at that time because the “Pao” seller haven’t give me back the change, and yet the girl approaching the stall; which means she's walking towards me. I can’t walk away juz like that coz I gave the "bak pao" seller RM50 for a RM15 dollars goods.

Her long hair was similar I mean mostly everything including her height, but finally I can differentiate it when her mom calling her name “Yien Zhi” wahahaha If I didn’t notice her I would have thought she was the Singapore singer “Sun Yien Zhi” so nervous lah that afternoon...

Wow really sucks for missing someone that she doesn’t even know your existence…Erm but who cares…this is my right to offer her my heart for the second time in 24 years after a failure in 1997. I promised that I won’t do the same mistake again. I hope you won’t be shock or something about the real story below. hehe

I can tell you the truth here that I got a girl friend during form 1… izzit weird or something??? She is the first girl I ever loved but guess what the first never the best. Hehehe up to you to judge and it’s none of my business hehe. But the relationship only last for 2 months. She’s now somewhere in Sibu but we’ve lost each other contact since breakout. Before that she chose to leave the school also Kuching for staying with her grandma in Sibu after 2 weeks we started our relationship. That was so sweet isn’t it… but with a barrier coz she no longer in Kuching and it’s hard for me at that time to keep in touch with her.

During that time, we don’t have computer, internet or even personal mobile phone for sms like recently we had have. We did call each other occasionally but not frequently because afraid of been discovered by our parents. So we chose snail mail (economical reason & security) to contact each other but the relationship had a crack in it when she asked her close friend or relative which I’m not so sure about it until today to pull a prank by pretending another girl who admired me. But I was quite smart to avoid it. Furthermore I discovered that the effort by my ex-gf was to sport check on me because afraid I will fall for a girl easily. This is really silly and also makes me feel weird about her and avoid her further because of her act at that time. At last, the relationship came to a usual ending “breakout”…

After this, my results in school turn from bad to worst… OMG (reason not because of breakout, and no way about it) I am not that kind of person, I am more optimistic one… that was during my form 2…and when I entered form 3, I try to improve myself becoz of PMR hehe.

In the end I got a quite good result to enter science stream but I didn’t. How nice if I chose to enter science stream to get one step closer to you… Unfortunately, I don’t know your existence at that time. Very very sorry about that….

After this incident, I didn’t admire any gal until the day I meet you in school Kuching high school assembly…From that day onwards, I sorted out any options to get near you and to know you but my feet just don’t want to move at all when I see you face to face.

Today was another ordinary day

I woke up in 1 pm, it's because my bedroom window facing particular primary school. So it damm noisy seems like thousand birds wondering outside my house. I picked up my weird mobile phone and see whether there is any annoying calls or sms. Unfortunately there are!! Damm it was from my classmate and also one of my close friend who ask me when we wanna to send out our resume to the company that we intend to apply.

What to do, arhh do all the routine stuffs.... washing my face, turn on my computer then go take bath. After all this dumb stuff, try to print out my resume and cover letter that idiot would want to read. I mean the employer like my lecturer who are so concern about those stupid resume stuff. why they bother about those thing. In resume i can put in what i like to bluff all idiot out there. hehe that just what i think erm.....maybe it really necessary though. We attn the resume to the receiver and then signed off form that creepy place lol.....

Still a rainy day in kuching..... spoil all my outdoor program such as fishing, drive fast fast and etc....Crazy isn't it hehehe In my mind still thinking of some person i miss where she's still in oversea, with following question: don't know how's she now? what is she doing? But sienz she haven't log in to her friendster to see the smile i'd sent her..... Some of you may think that i am crazy thinking of this shit all the time. I tell you, you haven't face this kind of situation then you would say i'm suck or crazy. Or i would never be like what you're now, you dumb. But when you really fall for somebody that is irreplaceable you will know how i feel now. And yet she is not around town or in peninsular. She's in the place that needs 17 hours of flight to be there not including transit from Heathrow airport. So i can't meet her anytime or whenever i wanted to.

Whatever you call me, i don't care..... This is me and my right to like somebody. Recently i got an information about her that she speak so soft that if you don't listen to her carefully, you would miss out what she wanna to tell you. This is so challenging and i am ready for it no matter what...
If i got the time machine, i would like to turn back 7 years ago from now to establish a friendship with her instead of now, only me and couple of my best friends know. Who i really like, this will never change forever unless she asks me to forget her or something......